tauhan:
lj- a 24 yo successful account executive sa isang international company. ambitious, self-driven, at patuloy na naghahanap ng kaligayahan. bakla.
elle - bestfriend ni lj, isang 26 yo business woman na may sariling resto/bar sa makati at malate.
tagpuan: sa isang bar sa malate; friday night
lj: baket ganon?
elle: ang alin?
lj: may bar ka naman bat dito tayo nakatambay?
elle: wala lang para maiba lang. wala naman cgurong masama andito tayo, friend ko din naman may ari nitong bar.
lj: yun na nga eh, yung bang friend mo na yan tumatambay din sa bar mo?
elle: oo naman!
teka bakla, baket ka nga pala nagaya lumabas?
lj: wala lang, depressed lang ng onti ang lola mo?
elle: at baket nanaman? alam mo ikaw! lagi ka nlang depressed. di ko gets.. dahil ba kay ben?
lj: *sigh* sabay sindi ng yosi
elle: mashado mo naman kasi dinidibdib mga emotion mo eh. alam mo, why don't you just focus on your career.
lj: hay nako dear ano ba nga ba ginagawa ko? kita mo nga na halos araw araw overtime ako. nilulubog ko na sarili ko sa work para lang di ko naiisip mga problema ko sa lovelife ko.
elle: you go out on dates naman diba?
lj: yes i do. pero nakakapagod na maghanap ng matinong date. parang laging may sablay.
elle: kasi you keep looking for someone like ben, lagi kang nagcocompare. ben is ben, makita mo man sa iba ang gusto mo kay ben di pa din siya yun. you have to learn to take your chances with others. ikaw din ang mahihirapan kung lagi ka nlang aasa na magkabalikan kayo.
lj: dear, mahal ko kasi sha.. at alam kong mahal nya din ako.
elle: eh what's stopping you from getting back together.
lj: sabi nya kasi it's going to be hard for him, kasi nagkaroon na ako nga someone ulit. at alam mo naman kung ano din ang nangyari don diba? it didn't work out din kasi wrong timing.. i guess i just didn't love him enough. i know naman i was unfair to him.
elle: don't be too hard on yourself, you played your part din naman to make the relationship work. it just wasn't meant to be.
lj: alam mo iniisip ko, malas ata talaga ako sa relationship. at swerte sila sa akin. pansin ko lang ha, sa lahat ng recent relationship ko pagkatapos namin mag break, masaya sila kung di man alone, masaya sila sa new relationship nila at ako left alone to contemplate on things that i've done. how unfortunate.
elle: tahimik, inom ng vodka sprite.
lj; animal! magsalita ka, are you telling me tama ang iniisip ko.
elle: gaga! of course not. i just wanted to make sure seryoso ka sa sinabi mo? dahil malapit na kita batukan. how could you even think that?
lj: well it's too much of a coincidence naman kung saka sakali diba? halos lahat sila ganon ang nangyari.
elle: and that makes it true na? ganon ba yun?
lj: tahimik, tingin sa cellphone at text text kunwari
elle: inom, tingin sa paligid.
*30 sec of silence*
elle: sino naman yang ka text mo? or nagtetext ka ba talaga?
lj: hindi, tinitingnan ko lang messages ng phone ko.
elle: tinotorture mo lang sarili mo.
lj: yeah i know. eh di ba masukista naman talaga ako.
elle: tell me 10 things why you still love him?
*cue song: snow on the sahara by anggun*
lj: 1st, contrary to his belief, he makes me happy most of the time. magtext nga lang yun, di na ako magkanda ugaga. pag magkikita kami i make sure na sobrang gwapo ko muna at sobrang cute bago ko sha kitain. so many costume changes.. 5-6 times ako kung magpalit. tapos mga 30mins sa buhok pa.
elle: o.a.
lj: di noh.. totoo yun. tapos dalawang beses ata ako kung maligo para lang sobrang bango. i make it a point na di ako aalis ng bahay hangga't di ako sure na malalaglag panga niya sa akin. that's how much effort i put just to please him.
2nd. he makes me feel that i'm part of his life. he makes me feel needed and wanted.
3rd. he sacrifices things for me even if i don't ask for it. and i'm willing to do the same.
4th. kahit nasasaktan na ako ng paulit ulit, laban lang ako ng laban. iniiyak ko lang. pero my feelings won't change for him. kahit nakakapagod na. i don't give up.
elle: di naman kaya mashado ka na unfair sa sarili mo? parang your not giving yourself much credit. lagi nlang sa kanya.
lj: alam ko naman yun eh. pero alam ko din kasi na there were times that i'm more unfair to him.
*cue song: i just can't let go by ambrosia*
elle: but why do you allow yourself to be hurt like that? kasi mahal mo sha? but that's not enough. it shouldn't be like that.
lj: there are certain things na kakayanin mo para sa taong mahal mo. i know it's cheesy but that's life.
elle: question: why are you scared to be alone?
lj: i just don't see myself being without someone. i want someone to take care of me and i want someone i can take care off. i want a companion in life. someone i can share my dreams with. someone i see a future with. yung alam kong kahit anong hirap kakayanin namin. i saw that in ben. in almost 2 years that we were together i saw the world differently. i saw my future with him to be hard pero alam kong kakayanin. i didn't know i was pushing him too much over the edge, till he fell and gave up on me. he wanted me to change and i did pero i felt that i was losing myself in the process. but it was ok for me, i didn't mind. but it also seemed that for him, the change was too slow and that it wasn't enough.
elle: how sad.
lj: 5th, he loved me like no one else did.
6th, he did things for me, little things that made me feel special.
alam mo ang masaklap lang for me now, is that i want his happiness more than anything and i don't know if i'm best for him. i don't want him to come back to me because naawa sha, and knowing him. hindi naman nya gagwing bumalik for that reason alone. he doesn't like me telling him i want him back, he needs enough reason for him tl do that. and i don't know how else to prove to him that i'm still madly in love with him. i also need to be happy, i have the right too? but i'm doing everything i can to make him happy and i don't even know if he is. i also want to tell him that he should also try and make me happy naman, but i don't want to do that kasi as he said; the ball was already passed to me. it's up to me now. but what else should i do? ano pa ang dapat kung gawin.
elle: i guess you just need to keep doing what you're doing.
lj: i'm afraid i'm running out of battery. hanggang kailan at hanggang saan pa ba?
elle: kanta yan bakla!
lj: animal!!
*tawa ng sabay*
elle: ano na ang pinaka masakit na nagawa nya sa iyo?
lj: there was one day after i played badminton. i decided to call him up. then he picked up. i asked him kung busy sha sabi nya medyo. he sounded as if nahihiya at parang di alam ang gagawin. i asked kung asa bahay sha sabi nya oo. then, i apologized for calling. he was obviously with someone doing something. i didn't know what he was doing but he seemed agitated when i called. it's like when your mom calls ypu up when your having sex. parang ganon. so i kinda figured ganon nga ang ginagawa nya. call it gut instinct but i know he was with someone doing something. kung di man baka pasimula pa lang or patapos na. it was around 11pm. my world stopped.
elle: *di nakapagsalita*
lj: *biglang naluha* hahaha! look at me umiiyak ako sa isang bagay na dapat di ko na iyakan. we broke up ages ago. i even had a relationship na. and yet sobrang nasasaktan pa din ako.
elle: when did this happen?
lj: kanina lang.
elle: HUWAAATT???
lj: why do you think nagaya ako uminom? i can't even describe the pain i felt... feel. it's as if you don't want to wake up coz it will only remind you of what happened. and you want to cry and cry but you fear it might not stop. you lost faith in all promises. the little hope i had disappeared in an instant.
elle: but how do you know he was doing nga that? malay mo naman hindi yun ganon.
lj: regardless if he was doing it with someone or not. he was with someone, in his room, at 11pm. kung ano man ang ginagawa nila only comes secondary. what's painful was he was with another, and i felt na para akong kabit na naghahanap ng pansin. it was wrong for me to call him but it was worse when he answered my call. i feel pathetic. needy. clingy and desperate. it hurt so much i was dazed and confused. i didn't know what to do. but what i did next was the worst. i texted him. TWICE.
elle: TANGA!
lj: i know. 1st i texted him saying sorry. and i don't even know why i even apologized. 2nd text was asking him why he answered my call. he didn't text back on both texts. i think that was the worse, he gave me the cold treatment left me hanging again. not knowing what he thinks of me now. i don't want to text him na but im tempted to.
elle: WAG! keep what little pride you have left.
lj: i don't think i even have any left. i have nothing more to give elle. pagod na din ako masaktan. i just want to be happy because i know i deserve it. and yet time and time again i've been tested. not knowing if i even passed or failed. i held on to something so uncertain. took the risk and this is the consequence i have to endure. TANGNANG BUHAY TOH!!!
elle: STOP IT! time for you to move on. to find the happiness you deserve. let go.
lj: i don't know how. i tried elle. i did. but still ...
elle: anong sakit pa ba ang dapat mong maramdaman?!? ano pang inaatay mo? umaasa ka pa ba? tinaihan ka na sa ulo. ni wala ka na ngang pride. wala ka ng pagkatao dahil sa kanya. ang laki na ng pinagbago mo pero parang hindi nya nakikita. tama na lj. enough! makakakita ka din ng taong tama para sa iyo. pero sa ngayon give your self time to heal.
lj: i thought i have. i thought i've healed and that i was ready. ang dami kong pinalampas na pagkakataong maging masaya para sa kanya. taong alam ko na mamahalin ako no matter what. pero para akong naghahabol sa isang multo. nagmamahal sa isang taong patuloy lang akong sinasaktan. and yet i can't stop loving him. what is wrong with me??
elle: stop blaming yourself. nothing's wrong with you. you just love him too much to sacrifice your own happiness.
lj: i want him to love me. love me like before. yun lang. i just want to build our dreams together. to take care of each other. to be with him and know i'm protected and loved.
elle: ano ba plano nya for you?
lj: i honestly don't know. he keeps me running in circles. but honeslly i love him so much that if he's going to be happy with someone else i'd step aside and watch. *tutulo and luha, sabay sindi ng yosi*
elle: i've known you for a long time dear and i know you can get over this. i know kaya mo toh. you've been through worse. kaya yakang yaka mo ito atche!
*cue song Angel by Sarah Maclachlan
lj: that's my song. *kakanta* spend all you life waiting for that 2nd chance for a break that will make it ok. there's always some reason to not feel good enough. and it's hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction ohh beautiful release. memories seep from my vains. it may be empty ohh weightless and maybe i'll find some peace tonight,
*sabay sila ni elle*
lj and elle: in the arms of angel fly away from here. from this star cold hotel room. and the endlessness that you feel. you are broke from the wreckage of your silent reverie. in the arms of an angel may you find some comfort here.
elle: mahirap noh?
lj: ang alin? ang tono mo? oo nga eh sablay sablay eh.
elle: gaga. and situation mo. walang kasiguraduhan.
lj: i guess i just have to live with it.
elle: so ano na plano mo?
lj: well after this uuwi na cguro.
elle: you want me to bring you home?
lj: no na. i'll be fine.
elle: sure ka?
lj: yeah. i'm strong diba?
elle: let's just finsih this drink and go?
lj: you go, baka hinahanap ka na ng asawa mo.
elle: alright. but i'd hate to leave you here alone.
lj: ano ba ang arte. i can go home fine. uuwi naman ako agad eh.
elle: o sha sha!
lj: zarturnahhh!
elle: cge i'll go na ha.. magingat ka pauwi and i'll see you. magtext ka paguwi mo ha.
lj: yup. promise. *beso, sabay kiss* love yah!
elle: love yah too atcheng!
*makalipas ang ilang minuto na nakaalis na si elle. naglakad so lj papunta sa sakayan. at habang nagaabang ng taxi*
-----itutuloy-----
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